Without a Compass- Navigating Life after Illness Changes You

I’m lost in a space that isn’t my own, it belongs to a former version of myself. A girl with an internal compass who could tell you north or south…east or west after being spun around in a field now does not know which way is up or which was is down. I danced in that field with my hair down becoming one with the wind. Chocolatey brown curls spiraled out of control as the sun beat down and grey clouds skirted away. My soul is out there still, I think, but I don’t know which way to turn to get back to it. I’m without a compass to guide me back. I close my eyes and make believe that I am back. Barefoot and engraved into my own roots of the earth. I face a stark reality when I finally do open my eyes again. Seconds turn into minutes and minutes turn to hours. A seamless vicious cycle of time turns hours into days and before I know it, months have gone by. Boundless moments blended into one as I continued searching for my dancing soul in a lost and forgotten field. I begin to wonder “does this field even exist?” Searching deep within me I can’t help but wonder if these memories were but a coping mechanism to brighten my days. Impossible I thought as I can still feel the warm sun rays beaming down on my face as I looked up smiling in content. I’d give anything to go back. How do I get back? Where is back? How do I get things back to the way they were before? I run, it’s a desperate attempt to chase after any glimmer of light left. It’s far enough to just be able to touch when I reach out pleading and just close enough for my dreamy eyes to see it without being able to reach it. Or is this just me imagining again? With all of these changes within me I lost my way. Without a compass, I’m stuck again. No map, no directions, no address, no trail. I begin to start wondering maybe I am without a compass for a reason. Maybe it really is impossible to get to a place that exists only in the past. Maybe I changed with these changes. I must not be meant to go back. Then it dawns on me. I’m lost in a space that is meant for my former self to keep. Destiny changes our paths. This is who I am now. She can dance in a field but I am now meant to be somewhere else. Amidst the chaos, turmoil, and joy that make up these days, I must make a new way for myself suitable for who I am now. Alas I have a compass pointing me towards my new future.

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